Angi Beery is a lovely, fiery woman that I had the pleasure of meeting a couple years ago in my local church. She is involved in advocacy work in the Anabaptist world and strives to show Christ’s heart of compassion to every woman she meets who is living in domestic abuse. We sat down a couple weeks ago to talk about the work she’s doing and why she’s doing it.
Q: Describe to me your current work in the educator/advocate space, as well as the training process you undertook to get here.
R: I come alongside any Anabaptist woman that comes to me that’s been living in domestic abuse, and is wanting to both be educated and to have somebody that she can trust as a support person. A lot of times, these women have tried everything that they possibly can and realized that it’s not working, and there’s really not a whole lot of people around to talk to about it. A lot of them have gotten my name because they’ve seen posts that I’ve put out on Facebook, or through word of mouth from other people.
I’ve gotten my training through Called to Peace Ministries. I’m in the third-year advocacy course, and then I’m also doing the Clarity in Action Biblical Victim Care. That’s a 12-week course that is the biblical foundation for my advocacy.
I am an affiliated advocate with Called to Peace Ministries, and this is the second year for that. But I have not taken women from Called to Peace. They would love to put me with people, but my time is filled up with the amount of Anabaptist women that have come to me just by word of mouth.
Q: How many women are you supporting at one time, on average?
R: I would say between 7 and 10. Understand that not everybody’s in crisis mode. Some of them I’ve worked with for a couple years; some of them it’s been a year; some of them it’s been just a couple months. Some of them have contacted me and then gone quiet—it’s a lot to wrap their minds around. I know one lady I talked to and then didn’t hear anything from for about 8 months, and then she contacted me again, ready to hear more.
And so because of that, there’s some days it’s quiet, and then there’s other days that I’ve got three or four women messaging me or needing phone calls.
Some of the women have separated; some of them are still with their husbands.
Q: What do you do in the public space?
R: My posts on Facebook are all public. I do stories on Facebook and Instagram. I have given my story at retreats: the LifeRing Ministries in Pennsylvania, and at an Anabaptist women’s retreat.
I’ve facilitated group Bible studies with the Called to Peace book that Joy Forrest wrote, and also Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
Q: How many years have you been doing all this?
R: That’s a hard question, because I lived in this for 30 years. That was my number one educator. I didn’t realize I was being educated. It wasn’t until year 18, in 2009, that my eyes were opened up to what I was living in. So between books, podcasts, blogs, I self-educated for about 10 years, and then that’s when everything went into crisis mode for me.
I’ve been an advocate for about five years now.
Q: What motivated you originally to get involved in this work?
R: It was my marriage. It wasn’t something that I set out to do, but after having lived in this for 30 years, not having the education, not having the people—although I had wonderful support from my family, we didn’t have words to put to it. Once I realized what it was and was walking through the crisis part and got a couple years out from that, I never want any woman to have to be living in this and walking this alone.
I have just decided to step into that and will probably be doing this until my dying day.
Q: What are the difficulties of being an educator on abuse in Anabaptist circles?
R: The most difficult issue that I have run into is, first of all, Anabaptists are not educated on abuse. But more so than that, is the fact that they consider abuse a marriage issue instead of an abuse issue. Across the board, they see you having “marriage issues,” and so they come at you with all of the “wonderful” marriage advice—make sure you give him all the sex that he needs (because it’s a need), keep his house clean, and make sure that you treat him like a king!
Abuse is mutualized, instead of it being identified as a powering-over. That dynamic is not understood at all.
Q: What responses have you received from people both about your personal story and about your advocacy for abuse victims?
R: It’s interesting. There’s a lot of silence—deafening silence and disregard, on one side of the spectrum. On the other side of the spectrum, these are some comments that I have received:
“You are following the Antichrist.”
“You need to be careful in the people that you are listening to and learning from.”
“Oh, your counselor’s divorced? Well, she can’t be of any help to you at all.”
I have labels put on me—very derogatory labels. In one area I lived in, I was considered “the B---- ”of that town. I was labeled that. And these are from fellow Christian plain people—my faith community.
The secondary abuse that I received from them went far deeper and was far more painful than the abuse that I received from my husband John. And I think that was because I expected that from John. I just assumed my faith community, professing who they are as followers of Christ, would hear me and believe me. They had walked alongside me for 20 years, some of them. They knew my character. And yet all of that went up into smoke when I took a stand and left my husband. Most everybody walked away.
And I think 9 times out of 10, advocacy feels like a threat.
Q: What do you think it is a threat to?
R: It’s a threat for some of the men, because they themselves are living out of the characteristics that John did. It’s also a threat to a system, because the system has always “worked this way,” and we’re bringing out information that is completely the opposite of what the social conditioning has been.
Then also it’s a threat to the mindset of headship[1] and the way it is lived out and taught. God gave men and women both dominion over the earth, never dominion over one another. We’re on an equal playing field.
Also, people feel like, “Well, you’re coming from the feminist point of view.” And I’m not. The last thing I would ever want to do is power over a man. I have no desire to do that. But I do desire to be considered an image-bearer just like he is.
Q: What are the responses you’ve seen toward women in plain churches who reach out to their church for help?
R: A lot of it is disbelief. They don’t believe her. They feel like she’s not telling the truth, that she’s lying. A lot of times, that’s because her husband that she has experienced as an abusive man, they have not. They’ve only ever seen him in his “good man” role at church. And so, because their experience is not what hers has been, well, then, she must be lying!
And with the way that he is able to manipulate and coerce and turn things around, because plain people are not educated, they fall for it. And so women get blamed for their marriage issues. And like I said before, they’re told to do more. It’s almost like it’s their responsibility to make the change in the marriage.
And this has been a huge question mark over my head: Even though plain people operate under a particular mindset and belief system of headship order, when it comes to marriage issues or domestic abuse, they ask the woman to be in the leading role. So that doesn’t mix!
Basically, women are not believed. Instead of receiving the help that they need, they are demanded to do more. They are even excommunicated from their churches.
Q: What responses have you seen when a woman decides, “I have to leave my husband”? Does that often end in excommunication?
R: In the most recent case, yes. That doesn’t always happen, but church and her faith community has been made so uncomfortable that she doesn’t feel like she has a place there anymore. So whether it’s a public excommunication or a silent excommunication, it’s there.
And again, it’s out of ignorance. I believe most of the time, it’s out of ignorance. It’s not out of leaders and laypeople being malicious. It’s just that the framework that they’re working out of doesn’t connect with what’s actually going on.
Q: In your opinion, what are some false teachings that Anabaptist women have absorbed that disadvantage them when it comes to dealing with abuse?
R: I can share with you some of my personal things, and what others have said as well. The biggest one for me was the definition of submission. I believed that I was supposed to be submissive in all things regardless of what my husband does. That was my first and foremost call. And so if that meant becoming a doormat, that’s what I was called to do.
That is not what God’s word says; that is not what Christ represented.
Also, I believed in the power differential. Not only do men believe in the headship order, we women do, too. And so we must needs make sure that our role is played well.
Q: So it’s the belief that headship indicates a power difference?
R: I don’t know that that’s actually articulated, but the husband would have all say. The wife doesn’t really have a voice. She doesn’t have opinions. She’s there to be his helpmeet, so to help him do whatever it is that God calls him to do.
She takes on the responsibility to make the marriage work, and to help her husband to become all that God has called him to be. So, she takes on more responsibility than what God has even called her to.
Q: In your opinion, is there a reluctance in church leaders and laypeople to learn about domestic abuse?
R: There is. I believe most of the reason why is because people don’t believe it’s happening in their congregations. Again, they’re not educated to know that every 1 in 3-4 women have, or are, experiencing domestic abuse. So that’s 25 out of 100.
I remember a specific conversation that I had, in wanting to put domestic abuse books in a church library. And the librarian looked at me and said, “I don’t know why we’d want to do that. Nobody will read them for probably 25 years.”
And when I said, “Actually, no, this is happening. It’s 1 in every 3-4 women,” she just got a glazed look in her eyes and didn’t say anything more.
So I think a lot of it is ignorance, and people just don’t believe it’s happening in their churches. And 25 out of 100 women is a lot, but that means 75 women aren’t in abusive marriages. So by and large, most aren’t. It is a minority; so keeping that in mind, women who have never experienced it don’t even have context for this.
Also, like I said before, talking about abuse threatens the leaders. It threatens their image of what they want to portray. It threatens them as a person because there’s conviction that starts happening. And they like their little kingdoms.
Q: What can we do better as churches in the area of domestic abuse?
R: The number one thing is, because everybody’s ignorance is so great: Just be willing to reach out to the experts for education, for training, for people you can ask questions of. Like Chris Moles said, “If you’ve seen one domestic abuse case, you’ve seen one domestic abuse case.” There’s no formula for this. And having other people to come alongside you as a team, with experts, you’re going to be far more likely to be helpful, not only to the one being oppressed, but also to the oppressor.
Second, take time to listen and hear and believe her. The percentage of times that she’s not telling the truth is very minimal, I think maybe 1%.
Third, hold men accountable.
And finally, hold to the true meaning of the relationship between men and women. We have dominion over the earth together, not one over the other. Not men powering over women.
Q: Do you have hope that plain churches will change on this issue?
R: That’s a tough one, because I love the church, and I love my Anabaptist history. Because of that, and because of Christ, I have hope. But it’s pretty threadbare right now.
It looks daunting, and most days very dark and impossible, with the amount of pushback that not only the educators and the experts are receiving, but the women who finally have the nerve to come out and say something, just to have everything come crashing down on them.
Q: What keeps you going?
R: Heaven forbid any woman lives isolated and lonely with a crowd of people around her, ever again. If it’s just one person that I can come alongside and give her a spark of hope that she can live in freedom and health and find her way, why would I not do this work? Like I said, I will do this to my dying day. If I would have had somebody like that, that would have been wonderful. The education wasn’t there, the books were not there, as I was living through it.
So knowing that these women will always be there, because of the belief systems that will always be there, that’s what keeps me going. Even if it’s exhausting and daunting.
There’s nothing better than watching a woman sit there and say, “I get it. I don’t have to live this way. This is not God’s way. This is not His design for me. He has a better plan and purpose.”
List of Recommended Resources:
Websites
Books
Caring For Families Caught in Domestic Abuse, by Chris Moles
When Home Hurts, by Jeremy Pierre and Greg Wilson
Is It Abuse?, by Darby Strickland
Called To Peace, by Joy Forrest
Domestic Abuse and the Dechurched, by Dan and Shannon Boeck
The Heart of Domestic Abuse, by Chris Moles
37 Ways to be Taken Captive: Warning Signs and Prevention for Domestic Relationships, by Sidney Millage
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick
Redeeming Power, by Diane Langberg
Booklet
“Domestic Abuse: Recognize, Respond, Rescue” by Darby Strickland
Podcasts
Relationship Truth: Unfiltered
[1] The term “headship” refers to a concept the apostle Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 11, where he states, “The head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (vs. 3). Interpretations of this concept vary throughout Christian tradition, but the most common understanding of headship in Anabaptist churches is that a husband has authority over his wife (to varying degrees, depending on the church).